Hair thoughts from a man who wears face cream

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This interview was conducted with a man in his 30's. I interviewed him as part of my research for Bearded Lady. Coffee was sipped and pubes were spoken about, probably, a lot too loudly for what is reasonable in a public place.

What’s your take on women and body hair?

There’s a lot we could talk about, but I’d like to preface it all with the fact that when a I think about a naked woman, the first thing I think is bush and then I think about sex and that all happens before I even bother to criticize her hair. I feel lucky enough just to see a vagina.

After you realize she’s got a vagina, then what?

After that you sit there and go well, if I had my choice… I remember in 2004 I interviewed this director who was really huge on 80’s teen sex comedies. He really wanted to bring bush back. He thought it was an identification of a female adult. Bareness and land strippiness is for the pederasts. I agree. I do think, though, on some level when it comes to cunnilingus, going down on a woman with a really big muff is really challenging. They say you are supposed to part it, but I don’t know how to do that. You hear that heavy pubes capture odors and I can talk about my paranoia of vaginal odors, but I want to clarify that I’m grateful that my mouth is there. Have you heard these things about oral and cancer? Nevermind, there is a difference between a body odor and a tangyness – that’s a different flavor from someone who hasn’t wiped their ass or someone who has been stuck on a subway platform for too long and there’s a lot of sweatiness. You get a whiff of tuckus. Must be the same for women.

But what I’m saying is, you hear that there is less odor with less hair. In the end, I’m currently with someone who has a lot down there, but I’ve had it both ways. Goes back to what I said, I’m okay with either as long as I’m getting.

Check with me in six months and if I’m getting laid more often, I might become more of a prick about it.

What do you think about completely bare?

I understand that it is creepy and makes women look too young, but I’m not creeped out by it unless she is a 14 year old in which case, why am I there?

Your thoughts on other styles?

I am okay with a patch, a landing strip, a triangle and even muffy. If I have the opportunity to be picky, I’d say if it’s muffy, don’t let it get to the thighs. Have some sort of maintenance routine.

We live in a material world and I’m just as brainwashed by media standards that say we have to wipe our asses and cut our fingernails and trim the hedges because that’s what we are supposed to do. You got to remember though, you’re talking to a guy who puts face cream on after a shower.

Do you ever comment on a woman’s hair?

It’s not my place. If someone is into having hairy armpits, I might not be the guy for them. I might not be the gender for them. Are there still sexy French girls with hairy armpits? Does that still happen? I’m not going to tell them to le shave.

I could see myself being with someone younger than me as a fun screw kind of thing and then making suggestions if they are asking for it, but I feel like most people have a sense of self and sense of style…and it’s not my place.

What do you think of other hair – upper lip fuzz? Tit hairs?

I don’t think I’ve seen that. I’ve seen out of control beavers and big black hairy moles. I think that if I was out having drinks and saw someone with a big hairy thing on her face, I would stop pursuing.

The happy trail and mustache?

That’s guy stuff. That’s been sunken into my head by now. A woman is not less of a person for having it. I just don’t want to have much to do with that.

I understand it’s a double standard. What do men do with their hair? Maybe we use a little product in our hair, maybe we trim our pubes a bit, we shave. Men can have an off day …women can’t do that. That’s become a fact.

What do you feel about your hair?

I’m doughy. I need hair. It gives me the right texture. If I didn’t have the hair, I’d be the Pillsbury Doughboy.

I’ve got lower back hair and I’ve learned to live with it. That’s fine. But if my shit starts spreading to the top half of my back, I’m going to have a complex. Then it’s undershirt time.